In Honor of Grandparents Day, I’d like to briefly share with all of you just how blessed Lane and I are with grandparents.

Growing up, I had the absolute BEST grandparents. I was blessed with two sets of grandparents and two great grandmothers in my lifetime that I actually grew up knowing. We were fortunate enough to all live in the same state, relatively close, within driving distance and saw each other frequently. I recall countless weekends, alternating between each of my grandparents houses, staying with them while my parents worked or traveled.

My grandparents came from very different backgrounds which made our upbringing with each side of our family different but none the less, always fun!

My mom’s parents, Grandmama and Poppy, were, let’s say prim and proper. We always had stricter rules, set meals and such with them. BUT we took lavish trips with them. I recall going to Graceland with my Poppy and thinking, “Wow!! This place is so fancy!!” Grandmama always drove nice cars with leather interior and as a child, I just thought that was for rich people. We had some great camping trips with them through the years as well to the lake and to Oklahoma. They taught us about Sunday Family Dinners after church and large holiday meals, something I will always remember and cherish. My Poppy was always the life of the party. He was the glue. That all changed when he grew his angel wings when I was 8 years old. Nothing was ever quite the same.

My dad’s parents were definitely opposite. Pawpaw and Mawmaw were super laid back and let us rule the roost within limits. We were allowed donuts, Mr. Good bars, BlueBell ice cream, and a trip to Braum’s just about any time we asked. They taught us ways of life you can’t read in a book. As I got older, I just naturally got closer to them and I am really not sure why, even to this day.  Mawmaw taught me how to cook. Pawpaw taught me how to garden. They even covered for me a time or two when I had missed curfew (at the age of 18 or 19 still living at home) saying I was staying with them when I was really out doing something I probably shouldn’t have been doing. I eventually moved across the street from Pawpaw when I was older and had a newborn baby. Every day, Pawpaw came to check on us. Both of these sweet souls are in the gates of Heaven and Lord, do I miss them. 

I often wondered what my parents would be like as grandparents, not knowing what I envisioned would be ultimately cut extremely short for my mom. In her short four and a half years as a Grammy, she was the best!!! She outdid herself, I promise you. She played in the floor with trains, she ate nasty Gerber foods to prove they tasted yummy, she slept crazy hours with Lane while I worked nightshift, she attended every single event in my absence…she loved him more than anyone could ever love him.

Grammy was always accompanied by Pappy! We’ve always said Lane is the boy of the family that Pappy never had. Lane is definitely dad’s pride and joy. To watch my dad teach Lane things such as swimming, fishing, hunting, paintball stuff, building science projects, riding a bike….all of those things that are manly…it’s so different than the man I grew up with. I see so much of my Pawpaw in Lane’s Pappy, including his walk and hard of hearing! HAHA!! We (I more than Lane) would be lost without this man…for real.

Through my life choices, I struggled with the fact that Lane wouldn’t have grandparents that I had. He wouldn’t have the stability that I had. I wouldn’t have a mother in law or father in law that I could just call when my dad wasn’t unavailable. This bothered me tremendously through my first divorce and throughout my second marriage/divorce as my in-law’s were not the most reliable. I prayed and prayed and prayed about this after my divorce. One day I realized, we are abundantly blessed with grandparents all around us, who says they have to be blood? NO ONE!!!!  There are angels all around us that help me with Lane on a daily basis…our Grandparents, the Earthly Angels!!

With that, Happy Grandparents Day to all of the grandparents in our lives! Thank you to those that help us on a daily basis with everything! We love you!!

 

Hey y’all! I hope everyone has found their groove as we all are back in the school swing, starting fall sports and mourning the end of Summer. I took the last week or so off from the Blog as we adjusted to Middle School, Lane turned 11 and well…LIFE! But, we are doing better than expected. Lane LOVES the transition, loves his classes and his anxiety is surprisingly low. Praise Jesus! So I’ve had several {hundred} ideas for this week and what better idea…FRIENDS. 

Enjoy…

Growing up in a household of two parents who are extremely extroverted, I just knew, we would always be surrounded by a ton of people. Those of you that know them, know this to be true. In fact, I talk to many of you through social media, or at the grocery store, or through your children/grandchildren. 

My mom, Sandy, Mama Sandy, Grammy, or whatever anyone else called her…was known by TONS of people. She was involved in so many groups from church to volunteer organizations to work stuff. She was a crafter, cake baker, singer and artist of many other forms. With each of these avenues she had friends. Her friends were always around. The days before cell phones, she was always on the house phone with someone, laughing, talking, planning, creating…surrounded by friends. 

My dad, Randy, Papa Randy, Pappy, Coach, or whatever anyone else called him…is known by TONS of people. He has always worked multiple jobs and been involved in community events that he helped others. He’s a helper, giver, teacher, coach, leader and friend. He like my mom, has friends in each avenue that surrounds him. 

I recall as a child, everywhere we went my parents knowing someone, even in another state or another country. To this day, I hear the words, ‘you’re Randy/Sandy’s daughter.’ This is such an honor to hear every single time. To know the legacy they’ve built is amazing. (But, the anxiety that I’ve put in my own head of filling their shoes is quite the opposite at times.) Our roots run deep as dad and I are both born and raised here, mom was a transplant but got here as quick as she could. 

The older I got, I began to wonder how in the hell would I be able to keep this type of lifestyle up, how would I be able to have that many friends. The truth…I can’t. I won’t. I don’t.  Why? Because I am not them. I am different. I am an introvert forced to be an extrovert during certain circumstances, mostly involving work activities now that I am adult. During my youth, it was dance activities and performances.  

I’ve learned through the years that I don’t have or feel the need for that many people around me. It causes me undue angst and stress. My mom and dad were amazing at hosting extravagant parties, gatherings, organizing events, etc. Not me. I do great to make it through a work event, birthday party or Christmas party. The aftermath is absolutely draining. My parents were great at keeping up with multiple people, their kids, their parents, and every event known to mankind. Not Jen. I am a homebody and I am ok with that. Those close to me know this. Jen is good with hanging out at home, yours or mine,  with a glass of wine and our pajamas. (This is my ideal holiday attire for every holiday too…thank goodness the man in my life is easy going.) Easy peasy. 

I have a small circle that I consider my Framily. They are a tight group of friends that are close enough to be that they’ve become my family. They have been there for me at my absolute worst…divorce, death, weight struggles, picked me up when I needed to move literally that day, changing of jobs, loss of babies and the birth of Lane. These are the people, I consider my true friends. I have many acquaintances, which I still call friends just on a different level. 

 

In saying all of that, I have also learned a lot about people and have had some fake friends. Through my life, I have been part of wives groups, church groups, social media groups, friends with people whom I thought truly supported me…but in the end, they were no where to be found. I’ve been standing alone in a hospital when I thought my wives group would be there to support me and not a single one of them was there any of the times they vowed to be there.  I’ve been in a social media weight loss group and not one skinny chick checked on the one struggling her hardest to get motivated to start her journey. I’ve been part of a church group but judged because I didn’t attend church on a regular basis. I’ve been friends with the husband/wife of someone because my spouse was friends with their husband/wife only to keep the peace when in turn, they were shaming me because of who I was and that I would never be good enough. Folks, those people are fake, and I do not have time for them in my life. If you are one of them, reconsider what you call a friend.  

I keep my circle small for a number of reasons. I am simple. I do not do drama. I work hard for what I have. We are rebuilding our lives after a year of hell.  Lane is my number one priority. I love being a mom and a life partner. People that do not support that, I just simply can’t have in my life…and they aren’t “friends.” The older I get, the smaller my circle becomes. I love sharing my story, which is one reason for this blog, as I hope it helps others. 

I am thankful for my circle of friends, true friends, the ones that have been there for the hell, the joy, the laughter, the tears, the great times and the times when I wanted to throw in the towel. 

Be yourself, those who truly love you will accept you for WHO you are. 

~Jen~

The Worst Day of My Life

We all think, man that day was pretty shitty. I have had some pretty bad days in my 34+ years of life. I look back and think, seriously? Why have I had to go through those things? Was it me? Did I choose that? Yes, some of the days, I am sure I chose to make those choices. Some of the days, I chose to be around those people who were making the decisions and I was accompanying them.

Well…these days, I did not choose. I was chosen. I was chosen to be the one to deal with them. I was chosen to allow these days to make me or break me. During the Hell of each of the days, I was broken but put together. I was cracked but glued. I was falling apart but held it together for each person around me or the others involved because that is me, that is who I am.

These are some shitty days…but they didn’t define me. I am not looking for sympathy. I wise man once told me (a former IT guy at my job) said, “if you’re looking for sympathy, it’s between shit and syphilis in the dictionary.” That stuck with me from the age of about 19. From that day forward, I have not searched or felt the need for sympathy from anyone. 

January 1, 2003 – I was laying on the couch of my best friend Jade’s house after a night out of shenanigans at Cowboys Arlington on NYE, eating chocolate chip muffins. My dad called my Nokia cell phone and said “get to the hospital, your Mawmaw has had a stroke.” Mawmaw grew her wings later that week. That day turned into a shitty week.

July 27, 2004 – I was driving down Sunnyvale Lane, driving to work for overtime and my mom called and said “meet me in Duncanville, Blake and Wanda have been murdered…it is on the news already.” (Blake was my cousin whom I’d given grace to many, many times for his life choices. The choices my sister would later take in life.) Suddenly, I realized he had broken all of the promises he’d made, either willingly or unwillingly…the promises of staying clean, being in my wedding, seeing my babies come into this world. He was a liar, a thief, a drug user…and that never changed until the day he died. One thing he kept his promise to, he would always take care of is momma. He took his momma down with him, until the day he died. She was murdered right along with him. That was a shitty day.

August 2006 – “Ms. Rachels, the fetus never developed a heart.” My first baby, gone, 14 weeks in. Maybe this isn’t meant to be. I’d already told my supervisor at work and she was already asking about making me a baby blanket because most nightshift dispatchers crocheted. That was a shitty day.

August 27, 2007 – “Sandy, you, in fact, have cancer.”    I sat in a chair, 4 days from giving birth to Lane, watching my the life drain from my parents faces as this news was delivered. We knew the truth before we were even at this appointment but the confirmation is just sickening, life flash before your eyes kind of moment, want to puke kind of feeling. The realization that my child would never know my mom the way I did. He would never know her healthy but always sick.  That was a shitty day.

(Most would think I would list the day my mom died as a shitty day, but it wasn’t. It was one of the biggest reliefs I’ve ever experienced. I miss her more than I can ever truly explain but watching someone die is worse than them actually dying. I promise. I miss her. I love her but that day wasn’t shitty compared to the others I am listing.)

October 2016 – The secret was killing me. A few of my closest friends knew. I had a photo shoot booked. My (then) husband was getting ready to leave for his annual hunting trip. As soon as he got back, I was telling him with a cute Pinterest idea….the baby I’d been praying for was finally in my tummy. The day before he left, the baby came early…5 months early. I woke in the middle of the night in excruciating pain, clearly having another miscarriage. Devastated again. The next day, confirmed by the doctor. That was a shitty day.

September 27, 2017 – As I am working the cash register at my store, I received a phone call from my (then) husband’s sergeant informing me he has injured himself and not to panic.

                “Jen, this is P. Please do not panic. R has injured himself. I am on my way to pick you up.”

                “No you aren’t. I am a big girl, I can drive. What happened….”

                “He is ok and alive…remember that when I say this. REMEMBER THAT.”

                (Laughing….because I think this is a joke) “Ok, P. What happened?”

                “R shot himself in the leg.”

                “Shut the f*ck up! Are you serious?”

The conversation went on back and forth about them picking me up and me driving. I won the argument and drove myself. Surreal. Nervous. Unexpecting. Concerned. I walked into a room of police officers, questions, nurses, questions, pastoral staff, questions, and a man that was suddenly destructed by his own actions. That was a shitty day.

So all of those days were shitty. I think back and say, you made it! Nothing happened that you didn’t completely break! Oh…please never say that because when you do….the WORST day happens.

March 6, 2018 (I think…it was the first week of March 2017)

I was standing in the kitchen, putting away dishes and I hear Lane arguing on his Xbox headset. He gets off of his Xbox, slams some shit around in his room, storms out, slams his door, stomps down the hallway and into the bathroom. He is sobbing uncontrollably and screaming something I cannot understand. He comes out of the bathroom, I tell him to come to the kitchen because I am pissed that he is acting like he is. Then suddenly I realize he is different. His face is blotchy. His eyes are dilated. He is shaking. He cannot speak without screaming in a weird voice. Who is this? It is not my son.

I asked him what was wrong and he explained what happened on his game and started to calm down. We discussed that he cannot get so upset over Xbox games. Then I asked what else is going on because something fueled this. This is where everything became…worse than shitty.

Lane said, “I am depressed mom.”

My. World. Stopped.

Dr. J suddenly came out and I began asking him questions as if I was a doctor.

Do you know what that means? Yes, it means you aren’t really happy. You can’t find joy in simple things.

Do you feel like hurting your friends? No.

Do you feel like hurting animals? No.

Do you feel like hurting yourself? Well….actually, yes. I’ve had those thoughts.

My. World. Stopped. And started spinning out of control.

Have you thought of ways to do that? Well no, I just know I am not happy. I was bullied last year at school and I just haven’t felt happy since then.

I reached out and hugged him. I didn’t know what else to do. I had no words. I was speechless. I felt like throwing up. I wanted to run. I wanted to give him up for adoption because I ultimately felt like I failed as a parent. I wanted to keep him home forever and figure out how to homeschool him and never work again. I wanted to apologize for every mistake I’d ever made. I wanted to cry but couldn’t. I wanted to get in the car and drive us to Montana and start a new life. I wanted so many things…but nothing would make a difference. HE was depressed. Nothing I did would change HIM.

This one conversation changed EVERYTHING. I didn’t sleep for about 72 hours. I was terrified he would hurt himself in his sleep. I contacted the school counselor the next morning. We’d gotten pretty close over the last year due to the bullying incident that had occurred in 4^th grade. She immediately pulled him in and spoke to him. This got the ball rolling to the BEST months of our lives. She continued meeting with him daily at the flag pole since he was the flag fella. She also created several avenues for him at school to come talk to her if he felt the need. The rest of the year was nothing less than fabulous.

Our school counselor led us to The Children First Counseling Center which has the absolute best staff on the face of this planet. I have to say Mr. I and Mr. J are amazing, Heaven on Earth Angels that have truly saved my son. Lane would not be where he is today in his mental health if it weren’t for them. We’ve had a few rough days where Lane did not want to go but I forced him because that was our original agreement. We’ve had days where Lane was silent for hours afterwards. We’ve had great days where I could tell the sessions were great. The rules we have, I am not allowed to know what is discussed between the therapist and Lane unless he is in danger of harming himself or others. Parents, this is very difficult, especially if you have an open relationship with your child. BUT currently, today,  Lane is happy, healthy, not depressed, not angry, coming out of his shell, talking more openly about his specific feelings, expressing his triggers and most of all, conquering his anxiety.

https://www.childrenfirstinc.org/

One of Lane’s biggest fears was starting Middle School, one for the bully aspect and two because of the fear of change. This past week, we had Eagle Camp where he got to learn about the school and such. The next day we had therapy with Mr. J. As I stated before, one of the agreements with therapy is Lane doesn’t have to speak to me about it unless he feels the need to; it’s all about the trust he is building with Mr. J. After therapy, I just asked, “did you have a good talk with Mr. J?”  Lane’s response was, “Mom, I cannot wait until Sunday!  You know why?  The next day I get to start 6^th grade at Jackson!!!!”  He was so excited and spoke with such confidence and enthusiasm. Here is at was 9:15pm and I was driving home with my sunglasses on because I was crying and didn’t want him to see me. Praise the Lord. Overcoming his biggest fear from May…Middle School. He is now super excited and cannot wait to start on Monday. This IS my child! He is back! By God’s amazing grace, I did not give up; Lane did not give up. 

(Two weeks ago, before therapy, feeling a bit of anxiety)

(Full blown anxiety on an airplane – long 4 hours for momma!!)

Parents, PLEASE listen to your children. Bullying is real. Youth depression is real. Youth anxiety is real. Suicidal thoughts in our youth is real. Mental illness is just as real as heart disease, cancer and a cold. I’ve been an advocate for many things in my life but I will give my all for this. I will always support suicide awareness for children, public safety personnel and military veterans/active military and anyone else who is trapped inside their own head and thoughts. Call me. Call your neighbor. Call your co workers. Call someone.

We have to stop the bullying. We have to promote kindness. We have to help our children be better people so they will be better adults. If you are a shit parent, your children will be shit kids. If you are a bully adult, your kids will be bully kids.

Trust me, you do not want to experience the other side of the coin. You do not want be the one that picks up the broken pieces. It is horrible. It is the shittiest day of all shitty days.

SIDE NOTE – The bullying situation was handled at home and at school. He was bullied by this troubled child at school and I took it all the way to the Assistant Principal with the intent to go to the School Board if needed, whom I know most personally. The child was disciplined and Lane in turn, befriended him because that is what he felt God wanted him to do. Forgive and Forget.

We are in this together buddy, I promise. Forever and ever. I love you, tooty!

 

Lane, My Biggest P.O.S.

My Biggest Pillar of Strength

August 31, 2007, 7:01pm, entering the world 22 inches long, weighing 9 pounds 11 ounces, he became my biggest P.O.S. Just 4 days before, my mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer, I was scared shitless and immediately discovered the task of masking every emotion known to man under a fake smile. I was welcoming a new baby, trying to a girlfriend, support my dad, attempting to have a relationship with my sister who is/was a drug addict and now there was a baby. WTF. But here came this P.O.S. He saved me.

December 2009/January 2010, his dad and I could not get past our difference, both of which we made mistakes in our short marriage and relationship. We were not suited for a forever marriage but for a forever friendship and co-parents. (He is now married to the BEST woman whom I love and adore, amazing Bonus Mom for Lane and has great Bonus kids who are Lane’s siblings.) But during that time at the age of 2, there was my P.O.S. He mustered up incredible strength, bouncing from apartment to apartment, entering several new relationships on both sides before settling into two separate families, still my amazing P.O.S.

May 7, 2012, approximately 6:30am, 4 years old, stirring in his bed, now knowing how in the hell I would tell him, he woke and said in the squeakiest little voice, “Mommy!! Grammy is with Jesus!!” Taken back and fighting the tears, I asked how he knew and he described the most image of the Gates of Heaven, I wish I could have seen with my own eyes. “I saw Jesus carrying Grammy in his arms through a gate. She was wearing all white. AND SHE WASN’T SICK!” There was my P.O.S., saving me as the world I once knew, was forever changed. Jesus had my mom and my P.O.S. had me.

(Something told me to take a picture of him that morning before I spoke to him.)

May 2013, As I married, what I thought was my fairy tale, was right there as the cutest groomsman. Our relationship was the wildest roller coaster from day one, which as a mother, I failed Lane in many ways. BUT, the past is the past and we moved forward. Fairy tales and all. The greatest P.O.S. was right there by my side, as any nervous bride could have on her special day.

April 2016, as I left the only career I had ever known, there was my P.O.S., helping me unload 13 years of memories from my car into the garage, hugging me as I took out each box, praying I had made the right choice. (Which it was for a number of reasons, professionally and personally and profersonally which is a combination of the two). He was there throughout my career travel the next two years to where I am today. My P.O.S. just tags along and enjoys the patch and challenge coins that come with each change! 

(Picture was the night of the celebration when I left GPPD/started Red’s)

February 14, 2018, when I came home to a sudden change in life, my fairytale husband was gone, no flowers, no chocolate but an ended marriage. The one who was there to pick up the puzzle pieces at the end of that day – was the greatest pillar that ever stood.

(Trip to Florida, 2017, when we did everything on our own because our 3rd party decided not to participate. Lane and I had a blast, just prior to swimming with dolphins.)

Today, that P.O.S. stands 5 foot 3 inches and weighs 135 pounds. As he prepares to enter middle school, I am terrified. Due to some unforgettable events from elementary school lingering in my soul, I am scared, worried, concerned and well, just uneasy. BUT his strength cannot be measured by words, weight or volume. For those of you that have not met him, your life is incomplete. He is truly amazing. I am not partial because I am his mother. I am honest. He lights up a room. He loves endlessly. He gives to everyone. He forgives like the Almighty. I would truly be lost without him. My life as been saved by the best P.O.S. ever. 

(Last selfie taken….last night as we were talking about our home projects for our future family plans…..when he said, “Mom, I just want a hug.”)

Lane Marshall Brown, You are my saving grace. I love you tooty. 

Love, 

Mother

 

 

 

 

Hey y’all! I am jumping in feet first to the pen to paper, online blog world. Those of you that follow me on social media have seen snippets of my thoughts on special occasions like Mother’s Day or Dad’s retirement but there are deeper thoughts to Jen, funny antics, Lane-ism(stories of my son) and just other topics I am highly opinionated on that I want to share with you. If you want to read my jibberish (Yes, I know it’s spelled incorrectly…get over it) great, if you think I am a horrible writer, great! I think I am hilarious at times…I also think I am a hot damned mess who doesn’t make any sense some days.

Who am I?  Well I am almost 35, which my son informed me is half way to 70. I am a single mother of a 10 year old with 2 angel babies. My son is blessed with an amazing blended family. I work for a local police department as a civilian employee with a shit ton of responsibilities. I started my carrier in public safety shortly after high school, as a stepping stone not a career choice, but it’s been the best choice by far!  I am a twice divorced, single-ish lady currently. Lane and I have 2 dogs…his dogs that I take care of. We live in my childhood home.

Fun Facts about US:

J = Jen ~ L = Lane

• J – Country and Christian Music ~ L – Weird Music/YouTube background music mom doesn’t even understand and Christian Music
• J – Terrified of heights ~ L – Loves roller coasters
• J/L Both LOVE Steak & Sweet Potatoes
• J/L Have a new passion for traveling – road trips are the best!
• J – Reader ~ L – Gamer
• J/L – FroYo is our secret dinner some days after we’ve both had a bad day
• J/L – Passion to help others, even after we’ve been burned
• J/L HATE wearing jeans – worst material ever made – ugh
• J/L Germaphobe, Clean freaks, self-diagnosed OCD people
• J jealous of L’s tan….every single year.

 

I am God-fearing and cuss like a Sailor. I am as real as they come and don’t always have a filter on what I say. (That’s your warning on my future topics.)

I hope you enjoy my blog! I look forward to writing, maybe weekly or every other week. I am a busy body. I work, I mom, I housewife with no husband, I attempt to have a life but really don’t….so hang in there if you don’t see me weekly, I will be back!

Much love,

Jen

 

 

This article was posted on my blog sister’s site as I was asked to be her first guest writer. I also wanted to share it on my site for those that want to read it again; for me to read again; just for the hell of it.

---

So I was asked by our dear friend to be her first guest writer and freaked out, literally…just ask her. I love to write but I’ve never publicly posted anything unless it’s been an occasional social media post for something memorable to me. This is huge…I immediately began racking my brain on topics as I normally have 7,983 thoughts a day that I feel cannot escape when they should {most writers can relate}. The one word that kept popping up was self…self.. So here goes nothing…[keep the tomatoes at bay.]

Self Love

As women, I believe we give all ourselves to others first. If we are single, we give it all to our friends and family. If we are in relationships, we give it all to our partners. If we are mothers, we give it all to our children and pets. If we are employees, we give it all to our careers. If we are homeowners, we give it all to our homes. Some of us fall in multiple categories. But where do you fall? Last. In the fairy tales we grew up with, the princess was always first. She had an entourage of helpers that took care of each of these areas for her, she just had to be the princess. Somewhere along the road to reality, this was lost, and we became last. I know this isn’t true for every female but for me, and most middle class, single, working moms, this is true.
Speaking from my personal experience, this must change. At almost 35 years old, I have failed myself. From the outside looking in I have (or had) it all. I come from a great background, All American family, marriage (or two), smart kid, house, college degree, successful career – but I didn’t have myself.

Looking in the mirror or in photos, I didn’t see what others would see. I didn’t see courage. I didn’t see poise. I didn’t see happiness. I didn’t see success. I saw someone who gave everything she had to everyone else. I saw an empty cup at the end of the day.

This realization was a hard pill to swallow for someone who has been so tough on the exterior and almost numb internally. Once this light bulb came on, my soul caught fire and my world has slowly changed. I know now, that any relationships I have in the future will be totally different from my past because I LOVE ME! The relationships with my friends have changed, rekindled and new ones have formed. The relationship with my son has always been strong but now that he is a transforming into a tween, I am able to be patient with him and love him through his struggles. All because I love me before I love anyone else.

After two failed marriages, maybe this is what it took for me to realize this God only knows – but we as women must LOVE ourselves before give an ounce of love to anyone else. Find what makes you…you! Whether that is church on Sunday, yoga on Tuesday, wine on Wednesday or tears in the shower after a rough week. Take time out to read a book or look at a magazine full of decorative ideas for a dream home you may never own. Sit in a bathtub full of bubbles. Eat at a restaurant, ALONE! Drive down a country road with your windows down, singing at the top of your lungs. Treat yourself to a day at the spa.
Whatever it is, do you.

Love yourself!
Jen